self-worth

I remember when I was in highschool. A couple of good friends and myself would lie out in the yard on warm summer nights and look into the dark sky full of tiny points of light. It would make me feel so small and insignificant that I would reach out on both sides of me and grab the earth beneath my hands so I would not feel as if I were going to fall off the earth and tumble through space.
It seems that here too, I feel small and insignificant on these cold pages in cyberspace. I have come to realize that life would pretty much go on without me if I were to move on to another realm. I'm not really that important in the grand scheme of things, I am not what I would consider a good writer and I am not going to be any great peace maker or historical figure that is going to be remembered for their goodness and their ability to do so much with so little such as Mother Teresa is. I am not going to be a person that keeps myself in the public eye and be a trendsetter or a fashion model or a singer or an actress or any of the other things that people think of when you talk about someone being popular.
I am not going to be a person who preaches the good news to millions such as Billy Graham or John Paul II. I'm not going to do much of anything great at all.
So I sat down with God and had a heart-to-heart talk with Him.
It went something like this:

Me: "God?"

He: "Yes?"

Me: "Why am I here?"

He: *silence*

Me: "No, really...why am I here? I mean, I am not good for much and I can't do anything particularly well, is there some reason that you have me here?"

He: "Well now, isn't that a silly question? Of course there's a reason for you. "

Me: "I suppose...it just seems that I really don't understand what I should be doing, that's all."

He: "You mean, you haven't searched for me long enough to understand why I put you where I did, when I did and how I did?"

Me: "Well, I guess I haven't...at least I haven't searched long enough for it to make sense to me."

He: "Hmm...Isn't that interesting."

Me: "Well, I suppose it is...er...no, maybe... it isn't...is it?"

He: " Let me put it this way dear one, (He calls everyone 'dear one' by the way) you were made with a special purpose in mind. You may think you have nothing great to do but I have been thinking of you since the beginning of time."

Me: " You have? WHY?"

He: "Because I love you."

Me: " Yes, I have always thought you did. But that doesn't seem to answer what you want me to do here. I mean, why am I here? What have I got to offer that someone wouldn't be able to do better?"

He: "You have one great task on earth to accomplish. It may not be anything great in anyone's eyes but mine. In mine, it will be great to everyone who accomplishes it."

Me: "I'm sorry God, I just don't understand. I don't seem to be good at anything that people want me to be. I am just me and that's that."

He: "No need to apologize dear one."

Me: "Yes, there is...I don't understand, that is why I should apologize."

He: "Not many do, really...and not many search long enough to ask the question either. And on top of everything else, it doesn't matter what people want you to be, it only matters what I want you to be."

Me: "I think I understand. So God, would you please tell me what I am here for? What you want me to be?"

He: "Certainly, if you really desire it."

Me: "Yes Lord, I do desire it. I only want to please you, but to do so, I have to know how."

He: "All right dear one, I will tell you. Are you ready?"

Me: "Yes, I am. With all my heart I am ready."

He: " You are here to love."

Me: "To Love?"

He: "Yes, to love."

Me: "That's it?"

He: "What do you mean, 'That's it?' Do you know what is involved in really learning to love?"

Me: "Well, no...since you put it that way, I guess not."

He: "Well then, let's take it slow. Let's start with yourself."

Me: "WHAT?!?! Start by loving myself? That's crazy! What's to love?"

He: "I love you."

Me: "Yes, I know you do."

He: " Do you think I would love you if you were not worth loving?"

Me: "No, I guess not...maybe, I don't know."

He: "Boy, this is going to be a long night, isn't it?"

Me: "What do you mean?"

He: "Never mind, now back to this love thing...I love you, now you must learn to love yourself, THEN you can love others."

Me: " I love others more than myself most of the time, I think. I love my children and I love my husband and my parents and my brothers and friends. "

He: "Yes, but you need to love yourself so that you can give of yourself freely to them."

Me: " How do I do that, God?"

He: "By loving me because I am in you."

Me: " You make it sound so easy, that's really tough you know...I'm not that good of a person and I've done some really despicable things."

He: "Yes, you have."

Me: "I know I have, that's why it's not so easy!"

He: " Are you glad you've done those things?"

Me: "No, not at all! In fact, I'm sorry that I ever did those things and I hope that I never offend you again by doing those things."

He: "Well there you have it."

Me: "Have what?"

He: "Sooner or later you've got to get it, don't you? I was right in saying it was going to be a long night!"

Me: *pause*

He: *SIGH* "All right, let me put it this way...YOU ARE FORGIVEN. Forgiven because I see you love me and you know what? I LOVE YOU!"

Me: " I think I am beginning to understand a bit better now. Thank you for loving me that much and thank you for forgiving me."

He: "Now, forgive yourself so you can get on with my work."

Me: " So you mean you have work for me to do?"

He: *SIGH* "This one is a slow learner. Yes, I have work for you to do. Be patient with everyone, forgive when you think you can't forgive and love beyond the depths of your heart. FOLLOW ME."

Me: "Thank you God."

He: "You're welcome."

Me: "That's it?"

He: "Yes, that's pretty much all there is to it."

Me: "Okay."

He: "Work hard and make me proud!"

Me: "I will try."

He: "That is all I ask."

Me: "I'll be seeing you around, won't I?"

He: "Every time you look at anything I have created you will see a little bit of me, but especially in those you love."

Me: "Thank you for being there for me. I need you so much! I love you!"

He: "Thank you for needing me. It does my heart good to see my creation need me."

Me: "I will be back you know."

He: "Yes, I know that. You're good, but you're not that good!
Oh, and one more thing, remember that movie with that Bill Murray guy? The one where he's a hypochondriac?"

Me: "Yes, I know the movie."

He: "Well, you need to do what he did to recover."

Me: "You want me to try death therapy?!?!"

He: "Oh here we go again! NO! I want you to take baby steps, ok? It's a rough world out there, but the rewards are immense if you just hang on and take tiny steps in making it a better place, ok?"

Me: "Ok God, and thanks again."

He: "No problem, hang in there."

Me: "I'll try."

He: "Like I said before, that's all I ask."


And so, I go on in life knowing that I am worth something to Him. It takes a talk every once in a while, but He finally gets through my thick skull and something penetrates my being.
I'm glad He's always there for me....especially that He is so patient.
Life will go on and Love will remain.