SAD

This time of year, it seems that there are some beautiful sunsets. They are also early enough in the day that it is possible for me to enjoy them much more than I did when it was 10 p.m. and getting dark. Soon, the sun will be setting early enough that I'll have to have the lights in the house on all evening.

I suffer from SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder). Another thing that Fibromyalgia sufferers have to look forward to in their lives...some sort of depression.
Mine seems to begin in about the last weeks of July and proceeds right through until the Christmas season. The doctor says it is because my internal clock sees the days winding down from July and picking up again at the end of December. September and October seem to be the worst months for me with Christmas the light at the end of the tunnel.
I know a lot of people become blue over the holidays, but for me they are a release...a time to look ahead fresh and new. I have been this way since I began my first-grade school year. I feel for anyone that has it and I become frustrated with people who do not understand. Depression's something out of our control, something completely unbidden and unwanted, yet here it is...and it goes away when IT wants to. Heaven forbid that you be a swing-shift worker or a graveyard worker when you have Seasonal Depression (SAD)!
I remember when I was working as a care nurse at night. I got little sleep at night so I was sleeping during the day. All was well and good until one sunny day in July as I was driving home from my job. I literally can tell you what it's like to feel the dark cloud descending and hovering over you that so many people depict in cartoons. I had it for nearly 6 months that time. It went away for a good year then returned again gradually though quite minimally last year.
This year was different. It smashed into me like a freight train. I didn't have the feeling as I did before where I could feel it coming, I just woke up with it and there it was. Some days are better than others and if I don't use my therapy light enough during the week, I awake with this terrible dread over my body.
Meanwhile, I know that there are good things in the world and I look for them daily, like this sunsest that I took a picture of, for example. I know there are more things in this world that are good and worth my time to explore, but I don't have the energy nor the time to want to do the exploring. I feel as if my plate is full or the load on my back is packed and I am about to succumb to the strain. Any type of stress makes it worse. Missing 10 minutes of sleep makes it impossible.
I want to feel joy, I want to feel happiness, I just don't seem to be able to. Things seem distant and unreal when you have this.
All this while, I know and realize that God has not given up on me and I know that He is standing near me helping me through this trial once again. It is something I will probably continue to go through the rest of my life. Why did it appear at the moment it did? Who knows!
I do know and understand that there is little one can do for it as some people respond fairly well to the medication and yet others like myself seem to be immune to the effects. Light therapy seems to be the only thing that helps me. Oh, of course prayer works wonders as well. I sometimes spend great hours in prayer. Recently I have failed in this great work and stand ashamed because of it. I am trying to continue my prayer life and continue it deeply. It seems illusive to me at times like this, but if I can continue through this wave of my life I know it will become better. Sometimes, though, all I can do is say "God help me." And I believe He does.

I would like to ask anyone who reads my post today to say a simple prayer for those that suffer with depression. I would also ask that those of you who do not suffer from depression thank God like you have never thanked Him in your life for the lack of knowledge you have toward depression in your own life. It is the nearest thing to hell on earth as far as I'm concerned.

I wonder if the stresses in the life we lead in the US post 9/11 for the lack of a better way of putting it is some of the reason it's gotten worse? Oh, I realize that I need to "Let go and let God" but it seems to be beyond my ability with this illness. I wonder how many others feel the same?
Anyhow, I believe that it's time to find joy in life. I will be looking and trying to laugh again.
Thank you so much for your prayers.